I thought for sure that was
gonna end in a face-plant. Oh! (man)
Almost hit the seat. I don’t even know how
the [bleep] I just fell. – You get that on video?
– Got it. (woman)
What happened? I just completely [bleep]. Are her breast okay? The Knicks are gonna
love her next season. That tomahawking tomboy
is Jackie, and when she tried
to be one of the guys, she took a steel chair
to the clam. The only thing chicks
should be dunking is fondue. Now, before you gals get
your torches and pitchforks, remember that I pee
sitting down, so I’m allowed to say
whatever I want about women. Is it even okay to call someone
a tomboy anymore? I think the correct term now
is “gross.” There’s a reason Brittney Griner
doesn’t get endorsement deals but Maria Sharapova does. One of those monsters
isn’t afraid of a few highlights
and some blush. I’m not threatened by the idea of a tomboy being better than me
at chopping firewood or fixing a car or [bleep] pussy. I’d just never want to date one because I don’t like the idea
of constantly having to high-five my girlfriend. But if Jackie wants to bro out, I’ll fly her to Hollywood, where impressing men
is the only thing that matters, in this week’s Web Redemption. [relaxed music] Welcome to Lady Foot Locker,
Jackie. Hey, Daniel.
Nice to meet you. All right, kick up
one of them hooves. Got to get that shoe
off there. [sniffs]
Mm. – I need you to stand up.
– Oh. What are you doing? Oh, we’re very thorough
here at Lady Foot Locker. Get your arms up,
please. – Oh.
– Yeah, get your–oh, hey. Oh, oh… [grunting]
Uh-huh. You know 80% of women
wear the wrong bra size? I learned that
watching Oprah. Jackie, where you from? Loomis. Loomis?
Where’s that? By Sacramento. By Sacramento.
Which direction? North. Oh, you’re not good
with geography at all? – No.
– North? Toward Chico? – No, south.
– South? – South.
– Toward Los Angeles. Down.
So north. So south. – Down is south.
– Yeah, yeah, it’s south. Up is north. This is crazy. All right,
what went wrong? I missed the chair. Oh! What dunk were you
planning on doing? Getting the ball
into the hoop. – Did you wreck your hoo-ha?
– No. – Your…[whistles]
– No. – Your vrrr.
– No. Who was the guy
that kind of gave you the creepy hug at the end? (Jackie)
That’d be my ex-boyfriend. – Your ex-boyfriend?
– Yes. Was he your current boyfriend
during the video? No, he wasn’t,
actually. Oh, so you guys
still touch. [laughs]
No. When you see
your ex-boyfriend, do you hug him
or kiss him? No. I see my ex-girlfriend,
I’m 50/50. One of ’em,
I’ll give her a kiss. Like a kiss on the cheek,
I’ll do that. One of ’em I’m just
never seeing again. Like, I don’t know.
She might be dead. Why were you only
hanging out with dudes? Are you one of those chicks that
doesn’t have any girlfriends? I have two girlfriends. – And the rest dudes?
– Yes. – Why is that?
– Girls are crazy. That’s only what girls that
only hang out with dudes say. [laughs]
Yes. What do you do
for a living? – I work at Rubio’s.
– Rubio’s? Mm-hmm. What do you do
at Rubio’s? I’m a shift leader. A shift leader? You just made up a title. – No, that’s what I–
– Shift leader. – That’s what I am.
– “I’m a shift leader.” What does that entail,
leading people? Managing, yeah, mm-hmm. – You’re just a manager.
– Yeah, manager. How’s that salsa bar? – Good.
– Clean? Sometimes. You got to keep
a salsa bar clean. Oh, yes. Maybe I’ll sell
this Lady Foot Locker and buy into a Rubio’s. You’ve wore Spanx? No. I got a pair on.
Not bad. What’s the most athletic thing
you’ve ever done? Run. What’s the farthest
you’ve ever ran? Couple miles. I’ve ran
14 marathons… – Wow.
– In one week. Not in one week. I could’ve if I put my mind to it. That’s the thing. You just got to put
your mind to it. Yep, exactly. They say women can do
everything men can do, but you proved,
on jumping alone, that myth was clearly
made up by a chick. I tried, though. The girls in my office, they have a dunk contest
this Tuesday. We would love
to have you. Would love to come. I would bring some
shoes this time. Welcome to the 15th semiannual That’s as Low as the Rim GoesTosh.0
Female Staff Dunk Contest, sponsored as always
by Pinkberry. (Daniel)
Let’s meet our judges. She once filmed herself
getting tag-teamed by the Gasol brothers, which is good enough to make her the newest cast member
of VH1’sBasketball Wives.Please welcome Porsha Lexis. [applause] When the Earth became
an uninhabitable wasteland, our next judge was
biogenetically engineered to protect Mega-City One. It’s Judge Dredd. [cheers and applause] [speaks indistinctly] [clicking] [dramatic music] [dramatically]
And that host standing 6’4″, you know him from
television and movie. (Daniel)
We’re honored to have him. The reason you laugh
and his parents cry, the biggest star
to ever appear onTosh.0,from the University
of Central Florida, he’s a men’s
basketball fan! Please welcome
Daniel Tosh! [applause] [normal voice]
Good to be here. [dramatic music] (Daniel)
Ooh, a reverse. That was nice. ♪ ♪ Hit the rim. [applause] ♪ ♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ (Daniel)
Don’t be surprised if this one cries
during the contest. ♪ ♪ (Daniel)
That is just a shot. You can’t just
shoot the ball. ♪ ♪ Ooh. ♪ ♪ (Daniel)
Oh, two-handed, went up strong, like Charles Barkley in his late, late years. (Daniel)
Ooh, blind-folded. ♪ ♪ (Daniel)
Where were you guys? (all)
Peeing. All right. (Daniel)
From the free throw line, the Euro step. Yeah, that is bad. ♪ ♪ Ew.
Bless her little
cracker-ass heart. ♪ ♪ We are deadlocked
at zero. (Daniel)
We have decided to break the eight-way tie with a least
embarrassing vote. Our finalist will be Carrie and Jackie. You will each have
one final dunk, or whatever it is you call
what you’ve been doing. (Daniel)
First up, Carrie. She brought on
a folding chair. That is Jackie’s dunk. This is getting
She’s gonna use
the folding chair to jump over
the golf cart. (Daniel)
All she has to do is
line up the golf cart. [golf cart beeping] (Daniel)
She’s just got to do
a simple park job. (Porsha)
This is worse than the time that I had sex
with Jeff Van Gundy. [golf cart beeping] Yeah, cut it.
Bring it forward, yeah. – That?
– Yeah. [buzzer sounds] We’re gonna be here
all night. All right,
Jackie’s turn. (Daniel)
Oh, she’s bringing out
a different goal. [suspenseful music] And it looks lower. [people gasp] [dramatic music] [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ Whoo! [triumphant music] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] Does that even count? Got to be worth something
on sex appeal alone. ♪ ♪ Watching women’s basketball is just like watching
men’s basketball if it were played underwater and men had
no hand-eye coordination and wore lead sneakers